3 Mistakes Couples Make That Totally Kill the Passion in Their Relationships
After you read this information, you will not only understand these 3 mistakes, you will also understand there is hope.
To help put this in perspective, I am going to start with a scenario.
Imagine a fictitious couple named Jane and John. They have recently moved in together and are very much in love.
Jane is working late so John decides to cook supper. He puts a great deal of effort into checking with a recipe book, preparing Jane’s favorite dishes and coordinating the timing so it will all be ready at the same time.
When Jane gets home she is very pleased to see that John has the meal under control and gives him a big hug and kiss. She relaxes and unwinds while John continues with his cooking. Jane had a very hectic day and as she is unwinding she remembers a very important phone call that she forgot to make. She immediately picks up the phone and makes the call, which ends up taking her much longer than she had anticipated.
Finally she gets off the phone and John serves supper, which is now overdone. As John is serving, Jane notices that he has become quiet and not very responsive.
Not understanding what happened, she asks him what is wrong. John replies, “Nothing.” Jane is painfully aware that something is bothering John and tries again. She reaches over, lovingly holds his hand and asks, “Honey, I can see that something is bothering you… what is it?” John withdraws his hand and again replies curtly, “Nothing!” Jane retorts, “Fine!” and the rest of the meal is eaten in silence.
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John felt hurt because he put so much effort into making supper to show Jane how much he loves her and if she really understood that, she would have waited until after supper to make her call. He feels silly saying anything because he thinks it’s too petty and he’s over-reacting. He says nothing and keeps his emotions bottled.
Jane feels hurt because she believes her attempts to find out what John was upset about were rejected, but doesn’t want to be rejected again so keeps her emotions bottled up as well.
They eventually reconnect, each hoping it was an isolated incident, but never discuss or resolve what happened.
Inevitably, more incidents do happen that again never get discussed or resolved. More hurts and resentments get bottled. The more the hurts and resentments build, the more the passion dies.
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We are a gay couple and Bett made us feel understood, respected and safe to discuss whatever issues were on our minds. It can be a very daunting thing to trust another individual with the intimate and troubling aspects of your personal and partnered life but Bett continuously created an environment of non-judgement, openness and consciousness that allowed for healthy dialogue, interaction and resolution of our most troublesome issues. With her help my husband and I were able to become more aware of each of our roles in the breakdown in our communication, intimacy and emotional trust. We were also able to make the necessary repairs and commitments to move forward. Bett exudes a very calm, compassionate, and wise energy and provides useful insight that certainly facilitates the healing process between couples. We would highly recommend her counselling services to anyone wishing to transform unhealthy and lingering patterns in their romantic relationships and take their relationships to their highest potential.
– Dylan & Darijan
Love language is what someone does or says to show their love. Typically, people have a preferred love language and will give love the way they wish to receive it.
The 5 basic love languages are:
- Physical Contact
- Quality Time
Referring to our fictitious couple, John went to great lengths to create and provide a very special meal for Jane. This would be an example of Service love language, which would be John’s preferred way to give and receive love.
Jane’s preferred way to give and receive love would be Physical Contact. She gave John a big hug and kiss to let him know how much she loved him for making supper and she lovingly held his hand when trying to find out why he was upset.
Without a clear understanding of how one’s partner gives and receives love, it becomes inevitable that they are going to inadvertently reject their partner’s love.
Because the giving of love is so intimate, it feels like they themselves are being rejected as well as their love.
Obviously, if someone’s love is continuously being misunderstood and they believe they are being rejected; their passion is going to be eroded and eventually die.
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After a series of hurtful events, bottled emotions and misunderstood love language that does not get discussed or resolved, couples give up trying. They have each tried very hard over the years to make things work and keep their love and passion alive.
Because they have not been able to discuss and resolve their issues they become so entangled and entrenched in their negative patterns they stop trying… they give up.
Adding to their negative patterns are the time constraints of life:
- household duties
- kids activities
- family obligations
- a social life
It becomes easier for the couple to focus their energy on everything else instead of each other.
Their unresolved hurts and resentments do not go away but manifest themselves in even more destructive ways:
- exploding in angry hurtful words
- becoming sarcastic to one another
- living together as mere roommates
The deadly “blame game” takes over. They either blame their partner or blame themselves or a combination of both.
At this point, it is virtually impossible for couples to feel passionate toward one another.
I really gravitate towards Bett because she truly just “gets it.”
She’s very non-judgmental, accepting and offers very neutral suggestions that always make sense and work. I was seeing another therapist and while she was very good at what she did, her advice didn’t always seem to click. She sometimes would assume things about me, without having heard me and that would make me feel uncomfortable and judged. With Bett, on the other hand, I never felt any sort of pre-assumptions. She hears what I have to say and always suggests as much as needed, never more and never less.
I genuinely get excited to have a session with Bett. I could be in a very bad mood, but as soon as I enter into her clinic, her positive energy and presence always seem to dilute that. She really does her job well and that to me is a reflection of her strong, professional expertise. I would highly recommend her to anyone.
There is hope!
If one is not a mechanic… they find a trusted mechanic for their car issues.
If one is not a doctor… they find a trusted doctor for their health issues.
If one is not an accountant… they find a trusted accountant for their financial issues.
It only makes sense that if one is not a counsellor… they find a trusted couple’s counsellor for their relationship issues.
When looking for a couple’s counsellor, there are some basic things to pay attention to.
What is important to look for in a couple’s counsellor?
- one that provides a safe, non-judgmental space
- one that does not take sides
- one that does not allow blame to be assigned to anyone
- one that respects the unique personality of each person
- one that does not expect either person to do anything that is too far out of their comfort zone
As a couple’s counsellor, this is what I believe and this is what I provide the couples I see.
I would like to pass on what a great experience I had undergoing counseling with Bett McLean.
Bett took the time to listen to what I had to say about how I thought my life was going, without being judgmental. After hearing me out, she suggested some strategies to help me deal with some issues I had. The environment was relaxed, caring and safe. I am using the strategies she gave me to give my life a little “course correction”. I will definitely see her again when the time comes to make further adjustments.
Couples can heal… they can fall deeply in love again… they can regain their passion and more.
If you think you might be able to benefit from my counselling services, please call me today for a free 10 minute consultation. Together, we can decide how we can work together to make your life as fulfilling as it can possibly be. I can be reached at:
604.222.2121 or email@example.com
Bett provides counselling and therapy for individuals and couples and marriage counselling for those residing in North Vancouver, West Vancouver, Vancouver and Burnaby, BC.